Freaknoid’s Psychic Network

(Real psychics don’t need phones--or modems)

Do you want to live a healthy, happy, fulfilling life: full of health and happiness and fulfillment? Do you want a fulfilling sex life where other actual, real, people are involved? Do you want to be popular and have other people not puke when you show up at an event? We, at "Freaknoid’s Psychic Network" can do this and more for you.

If you stay up real late at night, like Freaknoid does, then you have likely seen those people advertising on TV their psychic network services. (Freaknoid watches as he sits at the window with binoculars in his hands. He is the self-appointed neighborhood watch person. Currently, he is making sure that no harm comes to the aerobics instructor who lives in building 23 and likes to leave her window shades open. Yes, Freaknoid IS a pig!

So, where were we?

Those so-called psychics you see on TV have you call them on the phone and you tell them about yourself and about your problems, and then they tell you about yourself and about your problems. Then, they tell you stuff that you didn’t know was going to happen in the future. Things like - they see you getting older. If you are engaged, they see you getting married. If you are married for a long time (to the same man/woman), they see you not having any fun. If you are lonely and single, they see you looking for someone. If you are poor, they see you looking for a better paying job. If you are on fire, they see you looking for water. Get the drift?

Why do they need to know all that stuff about you before they can tell you about your future? Doesn’t that tell you that they really aren’t that terribly psychic?

Freaknoid’s psychic network is different. Very different. We use only the very best psychics in the known universe. Probably the best in the unknown universe. They have been handpicked by Freaknoid in several bars/pubs here in the Midwest, where things become very psychic as more and more beer in consumed.

We don’t need you to tell us about yourself in order to know what is going to happen to you in the future and to make suggestions on what you should do to be happy and prosperous—because we can already KNOW. And, we can KNOW without your having to pick up the phone and call us at $3 or $4 dollars per minute. We KNOW all of this because we are good, real good.

You can be a part of "Freaknoid’s Psychic Network"!!! There are two plans in which you can enroll. They are:

BASIC PLAN

To enroll, you open an account by sending us $63.87. This is to open an account just for you. Other payments will be due as explained below.

Once your account is open, we will assign a psychic advisor to you. This psychic advisor will immediately, if not sooner, begin to use his/her/its psychic powers to explore who you are and what you are up to and what is going to happen to you in the future. They will then send psychic messages direct to you, which will tell you the way you should go, to find true and lasting happiness.

As you receive their psychic messages, you will need to send us a $12 "contact fee" for each message. These psychic messages will be helping you find happiness as you travel the path you and your psychic have determined best for you. Isn’t your happiness worth it?

Please be assured that our psychic advisors are wonderful and NEVER make mistakes in guiding you.

How will you know when you have received a psychic message? It’s easy, but some people still become confused on this point. The best way to explain is to use an example.

Example 1: You are at the park. It is Sunday afternoon. You have been alone all weekend except for the session with the binoculars and the aerobics instructor—but that really doesn’t count does it? You see a really attractive person of the opposite sex (unless you like people of the same sex, in which case this person is of the same sex). Anyway, you see this person and you are immediately attracted. You wonder to yourself, what it would be like to... to... to... well, you know to be alone in a horizontal position with that person. You get an answer back that sounds like you thinking to yourself that it would be REAL NICE and you should GO FOR IT.

This answer back that sounds kind of like you thinking to yourself was your psychic advisor sending you a message to "GO FOR IT".

Later, as you bask in the glow of a new, blossoming relationship, you need to send us our $12 contact fee so we can afford to continue to advise you. Unless, of course, the whole thing turns out to be a bust and instead of "basking", you are in complete and utter agony. In this latter case, that was not your psychic advisor sending you a message. That was just you thinking to yourself after all, and you don’t owe us a dime.

Simple, isn’t it?

Example 2: You are at work. It’s nearly 11:00 and you realize you are hungry. You wonder if you should eat something or wait until lunch. You get an impression that you should eat a wonderfully chocolate candy bar from the vending machine in the cafeteria and wash it down with a diet soft drink.

You do so and it all feels wonderful. The "impression" came from your psychic advisor who is concerned about every detail of your pitiful life, and sent you this message. Since you reaped the outcome of the good feelings, you should send your advisor $12 so he/she/it can continue to invest their time in your well being.

Gold Plan

With the Gold Plan you get all the advantages of the Basic Plan, plus loads more. The Gold Plan works exactly like the Basic Plan except we put you into out psychic buddy system.

In this plan you will be very much integrated into our network. You will not just have a psychic advisor but you will have tons and tons of psychic buddies who are also members of our network!

To stay an active member of this gold plan you need to send us the normal $12 for each time you encounter a psychic buddy.

How will you know when you encounter a buddy? They will give you "THE LOOK". "THE LOOK" will be very reassuring to you because you will know that you are not alone in this vast, lonely, world where the only thing you can really rely upon is a good pair of binoculars. "THE LOOK" will tell you that other people in the network are "with you", pulling for you, and trying to help you along your path to happiness.

"THE LOOK" is premised upon the fact that we all have psychic powers. Even people like Freaknoid, with otherwise diminished mental capabilities, have been proven to employ "THE LOOK" successfully.

To explain how you will recognize "THE LOOK", we will again turn to example.

Example: "The Look"

You are in your car at a stop light at rush hour minding your own business listening to the radio when you get this unexplained sense hat someone in the car next to you is looking at you. You turn and see that you were right, they were looking at you! Amazing! How did you know hat they were looking? Because they sent you a psychic message and because you both are on the network you received the message! Astounding!

Please send us $12 contact fee.

And under the Gold Plan you can employ the Psychic Magnet.

Example "Psychic Magnet"

(P.S. This one works really well for Freaknoid, who was not very popular until he discovered this powerful concept!)

You want to be famous. Until you realize that famous people can’t go out and get a hamburger without the entire world wanting to rip off their cloths and keep them for souvenirs and have sex with them (the famous people, not their clothes). Okay bad example. Anyway famous people are harassed and harried all the time. And, you get the point.

So if you want to be famous, and at the same time, have a life where you can do whatever you want and remain somewhat anonymous, then "The Psychic Magnet" is for you.

Following our simple techniques you will only be alone when you want to be alone. Here is how it works. Before you go out, sit down and close your eyes and send out psychic messages to the entire city where you live telling them where you are going. Tell them you want as many of them as can, to join you because you want to watch people and not be alone.

Then go ahead and get ready to leave for work or go to that concert or baseball game. You will be surprised at how many people join you.

When Freaknoid goes to work in the morning the freeway system is clogged with people who received his "magnetic" message. Many of them are psychic buddies who wave at him with one finger as he weaves in and out of traffic in his 1985 Honda.

After employing this technique as many as 75,000 people came out to see Freaknoid at a professional football game even though they had to pay huge sums of money and it was very cold so the cheerleaders had on sweat pants and you couldn’t see a thing with your binoculars.

Of course you will need to send us our $12 contact fee each time this technique works for you.

Summary:

Do you want to live a healthy, happy life, full of health and happiness and fulfillment? We at Freaknoid’s Psychic Network can do this, and more, for you!