NAVEL LINT

AN UNTAPPED, RENEWABLE, NATURAL RESOURCE

In today's political climate, there are candidates criticizing other candidates because they lack vision and new ideas. While Freaknoid is not running for political office, he has many ideas he has offered to political leaders. Freaknoid is always ahead of his time, and his ideas are so cutting-edge that none of the political candidates have taken him up on his offer to discuss them.

One such idea is to open up lint-gathering centers across the nation to collect navel lint. Why harvest cotton when we have this fiber so readily at hand? Why waste money on gas for machines to plant and harvest? Why contaminate the environment with pesticides to protect the cotton crop? Why dig coal from the ground to run power plants, when lint will burn just fine? Why not just gather lint?

In the interest of science, Freaknoid has been gathering lint from his own navel for many months. It is interesting to see how much you can collect. Really. Although not yet scientifically established, there seems to be a direct correlation between the amount of lint "harvested" and the frequency of sheet changes on the bed. Much more lint can be gathered, if you leave the same sheets on the bed for a long, long time. After the failure of one of his marriages, Freaknoid did not change the sheets for months. Lint production was very high until he realized that sheets actually should be changed.

Under Freaknoid's sink are lint balls with little labels for each month's lint production. Each ball is carefully weighed before labeling and the results entered into a database. The data clearly shows that, if you have a country of 250 million people who gather lint every day, the amount of lint would be, let's see...250 million people times 365 days a year, times .25 ounces of lint per person, carry the one, round to the nearest full ounce, adjust for mandatory baths at Christmas and "Lucky Fridays" equals...well, just take my word for it. That's a lot of lint.

This lint can be woven into cloth (or at least we think it can be), and it has some b.t.u. value. (B.t.u.'s are a measure of how much energy there is in something that is burned. The letters stand for British Thermal Underwear, which is used to calibrate the amount of heat.) Several lint balls have been burned just to see what would happen. They did burn! The amount of burning was a function of how solidly the lint was "packed". (Copies of this study are available upon request). As an added benefit of the burning experiment, the ex-wife's cat seems to have disappeared for good---likely because of the smell, which seems to be dissipating every week from the carpets and curtains.

In conclusion, navel lint is an overlooked national resource. Freaknoid is going to continue to press the political candidates who don't want to see this effort go forward because they are being paid off by big oil and big cotton interests who have a lot to lose. The purpose of sharing this information with you is to create a grass root's ground swell of "can do" eager beavers who will take the bull by the horns and get tough when the going gets tough, so we can create a level playing field because this is the stuff that dreams are made of when you are going for the whole enchilada. Thank you for your support.