MEN
ARE FROM VENUS, MEN ARE FROM MARS
Women, please don't read this article. We are definitely not going
to reveal secrets to your man that will make him very happy at
your expense. So you can just quit reading here, because you won't
like this article. It's going to talk about fishing, football,
jock straps, and stuff like that.
Men--do
you want to live happily for the rest of your life? Do you want
to be able to walk around the house in your underwear and not
have your wife/girl friend/significant other, complain? Do you
want to be able to drink beer and not have to use a coaster in
the living room you bought and paid for with the sweat of your
brow? Do you want to watch football on Sunday, all day, instead
of having to clean out that drainpipe in the bathroom that runs
very slowly? This article can help you be happy and not have to
face those unpleasant things that other men, who do not know the
secrets revealed herein, must eventually endure.
Do you
remember the good ole days when you lived by yourself or with
a male roommate and you selected your attire for the day by visiting
your closet? In your closet were a lot of hangers that your mom
gave you that hung empty on the rod in the closet. On the floor
of your closet were your clothes --right where they belonged.
You dug through these clothes and selected the ones you wanted
to wear on a given day. Jeans were selected by a visual inspection
for food, mud, or other stains. Often, all of the jeans were dirty,
to some extent or another, so you had to then determine which
pair is least soiled and wear them. You selected the shirt for
the day, not based upon some sissy notion of whether it matched
your outfit, but by whether if smelled okay. After wearing shirts
for a while, one must check where the underarm comes in contact
with the garment. If there is an unpleasant aroma emanating from
that area, a quick sprits of cologne (for those of you who are
cologne impaired, sprits means squirt) that grandma gave you at
Christmas, is usually in order. It could be that you have become
so accustomed to "said aroma" that you can no longer
smell it. So a quick sprits--just to be safe--is not a bad idea.
Then,
there are socks. Socks can prove an unusually challenging dilemma
as one must consider the flexibility of this particular piece
of clothing. The longer you wear them, the more rigid and crusty
they become. Normally, a few attempts at bending them will tell
you if they have become too crusty to wear and won't bend in your
shoe as you walk to class, or walk to where-ever-it-is that you
are walking to.
Caution
needs to be used when entering into a relationship with a woman.
Women want to change these really good qualities about us. You
will not know they are trying to change you because you will be
thinking with parts of your body other than the thinking part
of your body. You will be thinking about that one part that you
think about a lot. But, if you want to remain happy, you must
be aware enough to notice when this female person asks you to
hang up or even wash your clothes, the change is underway. This
is very important because this is the beginning of a slow, insidious
process of changing you. The final destination to this journey,
if you don't stop it NOW, is that you will someday be changing
diapers, washing the dishes, going to work every day, and NOT
watching "Baywatch", professional wrestling, or ice
hockey whenever you darn well please.
Here is
what you must do. Follow me closely now. When young, unmarried
guys buy clothes, we never buy anything white--except tee shirts
and underwear, which no one ever sees anyway, so it doesn't matter.
Women, on the other hand, normally have several white things:
blouses, bras, etc, which they consider very important. When your
woman asks you to wash your clothes, you need to act (ACT) very
sensitive and offer to do her laundry along with yours to save
you both time.
You then
must take her white clothes and wash them together along with
a red sweatshirt. If you don't have a K.C. Chiefs sweatshirt or
a Nebraska Cornhuskers sweat shirt, buy one. If you hate these
teams, burn the thing later. It is a good investment. The result
of washing these clothes together is that all of the whites will
be pink. Most of you didn't know that did you? That's 'cause you
just take everything in the bottom of your closet to the laundromat
and stuff it all into the washer and pour in some soap and stick
your quarters in the machine and wait 'til it stops making your
clothes wet.
Your woman
will be horrified that her white silk blouse is pink! This may
test your relationship. She may leave. If she does, it proves
she was not for you anyway. If she stays, YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN
HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY! Instead, she will do your laundry for you!
Probably forever! She will be doing laundry while you watch the
football game on TV! And, you learned it all here!
Other
things you can do are similar in nature. When asked to wash dishes,
be sure to drop what looks like the most fancy piece onto the
floor. Try to drop it onto your foot so it doesn't break. But,
if it breaks, it breaks. The important thing is that, if you act
like an "ox in the china shop", you will only have to
do dishes when her parents visit at Thanksgiving.
Freaknoid owns
an electrical drill. He does not remember the exact dimensions
of the part where the drill bits are supposed to be inserted.
It is probably one-quarter inch. Anyway, although there is such
a drill, no drill bits on the face of the planet fit into that
drill. This drill is utterly useless, which makes it a very valuable
piece of equipment. Every project at home where something needs
fixed or replaced for some strange reason, requires Freaknoid to use
a drill bit that he can't get to fit into the drill. So a repair
person must be summoned or the project is forgotten and Freaknoid gets
to watch "Star Trek" reruns.
You don't
ever want to be able to cook meals or you will live a horrible
life in the kitchen. Instead, when asked to make dinner, ALWAYS
make boiled hot dogs, or Spam casserole. Be sure to ALWAYS make
the exact same, almost edible dish. Caution--do not burn things.
Remember, you have dropped dishes and ruined clothing. Cooking
represents a rare opportunity to display a high level of incompetence
without being destructive. If you set too much of a destructive
pattern, the female may catch on to our plot.
When you
have children and the baby must be changed, you need to not be
able to get the diaper onto the kid. The tradition for years and
years, handed down from generation of men, from fathers to sons,
was to be sure and stick the diaper pin into your finger and be
sure there was loads of blood. Your wife would never again let
you around the baby with an open diaper pin. This meant you never
had to change diapers. Of course, paper diapers with those adhesive
tabs changed all of that. Now, we have to learn how to put the
diaper on so it is barely on and the baby's mess is not contained
in the diaper. I could go on and on, but by now you get the point.
So, if
you want to live a happy life in harmony with your woman,
you must, early on, convince her that you are incompetent
in almost every area of life, which will require her to
do most everything for you. Fortunately, for most men, acting
incompetent is not a problem.
