The Living Will
Pope giving "the signal"

Most people are going to die. It may happen to you or to someone you know. Freaknoid wants to see your road to the "happy hunting ground", your trip to the "last round up", your "final good-bye" to be as trouble free as possible and therefore is giving you free advise on "living wills". In return for this service Freaknoid is simply asking that you help protect him from his mean spirited "significant other" by being a witness to his intentions as he says "hello to the worm farm".

As you may know it is against the law to commit suicide or to kill yourself. Many people who might otherwise "do themselves in" are deterred because they worry how this might look on their record when they go on their next job interview. Or they may not want to spend time in jail.

And, normally speaking, it is illegal to kill someone who is not you, even those annoying people who are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them. However due to a loop hole in the law, if that someone is in "a persistent vegetative state" then it is okay to "pull the plug" and kill them. However it is not okay to kill them if they are in a semi-conscious state, or some other form of near consciousness, so you should check with your auto mechanic before making a final determination.

You need to create a "living will". A "living will" is a document that is prepared in case you are incapacitated and can't communicate with other living human beings. This "living will" tells people if you do want to live or don't want to live, whichever the case may be.

Freaknoid wants you, the "general pubic" to bear witness to this his "living will". You are now a part now of making sure that Freaknoid does not get the plug pulled on him prematurely. Freaknoid does not trust his current "significant other". She is a mean spirited person. For example she purposely and willfully hides stuff that she knows Freaknoid will want and or need and or want and or miss. For example, in the morning when he is getting ready for work he often can't find his boots. He will ask where his boots are when he finds they are not by the recliner, where he left them before falling to sleep during re-runs of "The Dukes of Hazard". Often she will have hidden them in the closet cleverly trying to conceal them in among other footwear. She will of course say that she puts them in the closet because that is where they go. Yeah right.

And she will intentionally wash his favorite pants without warning although they have only been worn a few days, leaving him with other, non-favorite pants he must wear that don't fit around the waist very well, because Freaknoid is a growing boy. Growing horizontally.

As you may know, many think Freaknoid is in a vegetable state now. Just because someone wears the same sweat pants to bed and during all the week end days, does not rise until noon and does not remove the natural scent God bestows upon us by exposing himself to water, does not qualify one for "vegetative statehood". Therefore those of you reading this need to be sure they don't mistakenly unplug Freaknoid.

The "ace in the hole" Freaknoid is counting on is that they will have to "plug him in" before they can "unplug him". This will probably wake Freaknoid and then he can protest.

If / when Freaknoid is unable to function he does not want to be connected to a ventilator or feeding tube or automated enema machine. You are reading this and Freaknoid is counting on you.

But there is an issue that dogs Freaknoid's soul. It is the tricky question of changing your mind. Did you ever get into something all, or most of, the way and then want to change your mind. Freaknoid has been married several times and during most of these weddings he is standing there at the front of the church and this bad feeling sweeps over him and this sense of "Oh my God, what are you doing?" swells in the deepest part of his being.

Freaknoid is convinced that this whole marriage ceremony thing needs to be thought out from scratch, all over again. If there were not so many people sitting there in the church the groom would likely not take the plunge. This may be exactly why all these folks are there… just to make sure the guy doesn't back out.

There should be a system where you could anonymously put a piece of paper in a box, like a suggestion box, and the preacher has to read this during that time when he says, "if there is anyone who knows why this couple should not be jointed let him speak now or forever hold their piece". Instead he would say all of that and then add, "Okay, lets see what we have here in the objection box".

"Oh, I see we have an anonymous objection, that says, 'Judy is really a nice girl, but she should not marry, Freaknoid. She is too good for Freaknoid. Freaknoid is scum. I secretly love Judy and want to run away with her, so she should not marry Freaknoid. Although she should give him back his big screen TV if she decides to dump him for me and she should not ask for alimony and she should help him find his boots'".

But we digress.

In this same way, there should be a signal that you can use in case you change your mind while you are on a feeding tube, ventilator, automated enema machine or whatever and can't speak (Freaknoid thinks you can speak if you are on an automated enema machine). If you are in this situation Freaknoid is sure there isn't much to do and when Oprah comes on TV you may decide you are ready to die. During "All My Children" many have been motivated to get out of bed and turn off the machines without assistance. But then on comes "Monday Night Football" and it is Green Bay, so you think, "hey wait don't unplug me yet".

Freaknoid wants to have a "don't unplug me, I've changed my mind" signal. This has to be something so clear that it doesn't confuse anyone. For example, if Freaknoid were to put a finger in his nose, those whom or who (which is it who or whom and who - or whom- can ever know?) live with him would think, there he goes again, he just can't keep that finger out of his nose. Same with scratching. And loud belching is a definite "no go". Those signals won't work..

Freaknoid saw this picture of the pope. (see below) and this looks like a good signal. Simple, yet so undeniably weird that it could not be done by accident. So this is the signal. If you visit Freaknoid and he is "plugged in" do not allow anyone to "unplug him" if he is giving this signal or if "Monday Night Football" is on.

Pope giving "the signal".