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There is a new CEO (big boss, for those of you not
knowledgeable in corporate lingo) where Freaknoid works. He is a
mean-spirited person who believes that companies exist to make money
for the stockholders. The employees believed that the true goal
of the corporation had to do with the once traditional Friday afternoon
pizza party and beer bust. This event was conflicting with the new
CEOs view that actual work should be done on Fridays.
The
two sides were able to come together as the new CEO expanded the
vocabulary of many workers to include a new phrase, "down-sizing".
Those who are left can hardly remember the Friday afternoon pizza.
This
new CEO has decided to clean house, clear the decks, and build a
new, dynamic team. He wants people who are not stuck in the past---people
who can not remember "how things used to be". People who
won't be able to say, "Yeah, we tried to go without carbon
paper in '63, but it didn't work then, and it won't work now"---people
who don't like pizza, especially on Friday.
The
new people coming into the company are from other industries. They
are not burdened with preconceived ideas on how things used to be,
or how we used do things. They know nothing of the business, the
industry, or the customers. They can start with a clean slate and
begin new and fresh because they don't know anything.
Many
think this means Freaknoid will likely be promoted. He too, knows
nothing about the business and has stayed as far away as possible
from customers, as if he knew that this day would dawn, the day
when knowing nothing would be valuable. Since he has avoided anything
resembling actual work, he is in a unique position of having both
seniority with the company, but at the same time practically no
knowledge of what goes on there. His department has heard him say,
"If God had wanted me to work, He would not have allowed me
to be supervisor of this mail room." Amen.
However,
knowing that the fate is fickle and sometimes does not point to
the obvious person in the mail room or janitorial staff as most
qualified to be the next VP; but instead, sometimes points to the
Executive Secretary who has refined her night photography skills
and visited, at her own expense, the annual association convention
in Reno. Knowing this, Freaknoid is doing "contingency planning",
which is corporate pig Latin for "looking for another job".
Given that doing no actual work seems to have been a good strategy
so far, a similar position is being sought. Preferably, one where
you can watch other people work and blame them--I mean coach them,
when things go wrong. A job where you can evaluate the rare, good,
but rough idea of your employees that needs a lot of polish that
only you can give it. So you remold it so upper management can better
accept it by putting your name on the memo that espouses that idea.
(P.S. I have no idea what the word espouse means...I just LOVE the
word.) A position where you can stand ready to take credit when,
by shear chance, something actually goes right at the same exact
time that someone who matters takes notice. I espouse you, to go
forth and espouse.
Through
a stroke of good luck, owing in some respect to Freaknoid's current
girl friend, who had him out renting a lion tamer's suit for the
evening's activities, Freaknoid met a very entrepreneurial guy selling
high quality watches and jewelry from the trunk of his car. This
person is able to do this because he did not have the high overhead
that the large, fancy, retail shops do in paying rent, hiring help,
obtaining insurance and actually buying the merchandise. Freaknoid's
new found friend did not have any lion tamer's costumes or cherry
flavored Vaseline, but he did offer Freaknoid a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity. (The only other time Freaknoid had a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity happened when, at age 16, he was mowing the yard of
young, widow Johnson for what turned out to be a long, hot summer
full of espousals.)
This
fantastic opportunity is made possible by two trends now taking
place in the U.S.A. The first being that Americans are fat and getting
fatter. The second is that Americans are obsessed with looking thin.
And the third (okay there are three) is that their disposable income
is growing. And fourth, it is much more convenient, and Americans
love convenience (and Freaknoid espouses it). Okay, so there were
four things.
Now
you are asking yourself, what could this terrific opportunity be?
And you are asking yourself, how could you also be involved in a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Am I right? Of course I am! This
guy offered Freaknoid a franchise opportunity in "LIPOSUCTION
AM US"! (Please note that the letters "A" and "M"
are turned backwards just like that famous toy store that has the
"R" turned backwards in their name. What a stroke of marketing
genius.)
Liposuction
is THE wave of the future. It is that procedure where medical technicians,
whose Freaknoid's friend assures him can be readily obtainable from
fine schools in Mexico who teach liposuction and taxidermy, suck
fat from your body. They insert these little hoses in your body
and just vacuum the fat off. No problem. No more going to the gym
and sweating. No more concern about what you eat---eat whatever
you want! Then find a LIPOSUCTION AM US location, have all that
extra weight disappear in a matter of a few minutes. I am sure this
is the espousal opportunity.
But
then, after looking up and down the street to be sure no one was
listening, this guy offered Freaknoid, (in whispered tones, because
he could tell Freaknoid was an especially shrewd espoused, investor)
a chance to buy the entire operation, lock, stock and barrel. However,
in this modern business world, there are not locks, no stock, and
no barrels. These days, what you buy are "rights". So
now, Freaknoid owns the rights to sell valuable "LIPOSUCTION
AM US" franchises to you, the general public.
Freaknoid
will now have the last laugh on his two ex-wives who said he would
never turn out to amount to much after they ex-espouseled him. And
they will never guess what this vast, almost limitless, opportunity
cost him. (Although they might find out if the alimony payments
fall behind and the judge looks into what that happened.) All it
cost was the title to the Honda and a second mortgage on the condo.
And
there are the non-monetary rewards of knowing you have helped others.
Many of the people who want liposuction feel lonely and rejected.
Freaknoid can help them feel better about themselves. Of course,
many of those in need of help will be love hungry women. Many of
these women will not have had the touch of a man in months--maybe
years. After Freaknoid helps "slim" them down to babe-hood
status, it will be his professional duty to be sure that their confidence
is reborn. He has several ideas on how this could be done. Now that
he knows where to rent lion tamer outfits and similar stimulating
outfits, he will be able to help lots of women. LOTS and LOTS of
women.
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