Buying California and Spit

We are going to buy California, which is technically still part of the United States.

We (“we” meaning me) are first going to discover how spit grows. Have you noticed it is in your mouth most all the time? It may even be in your mouth when you would rather it not be.

We were recently in a restaurant with someone from Finland. This restaurant had a sign that said “Do not spit on the floor!”. It was suppose to be funny, but the person from Finland was confused and asked about the sign. We told them that there had been problems with people from Europe coming into American restaurants and spitting on the floor so these signs were now pretty common. They looked even more confused. We spit on the floor and told them we had done so to make them feel at home.

(The preceding paragraph was “for free” and has nothing to do with this little ditty except it has “spit” as a thematic element.)

Once we discover how spit grows we are going to patent the discovery. Once we patent the discovery anyone who grows spit will owe us money. We think most people will want spit in their mouths at least once a day and we will collect money “worldwide”. Except of course we won’t get money from China, because they will ignore our patent and a lot of Chinese will think they can grow their own spit and they will refuse to pay.

We have discussed this with a panel of advisers and that person thinks that we may need to have everyone use an anti-spit mouthwash. This way we will know when people are violating the patent and growing their own spit. If our plan works properly, everyone will have to come to us and have us give them spit. We intend to enforce our rights granted under the patent.

We may form an association, “The International Spit Growers”. We would have employees. They would grow spit. They would be called “spit growers”. We would hire illegal aliens who would work cheap. We might “out source” to India. When the wages in India get too high we will relocate most of our operations to a country with cheaper labor… like Sweden.

Given our plan we will make millions, if not billions.

We will buy California with our spit fortune. Once we buy California, we are going to drill for oil off the coast. We may drill on the actual land of California. We may drill for oil even where we know there is no oil just to “piss people off”.

With our oil revenue we will then buy China and change the laws so we can enforce the patent granted us on growing spit.