Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after
giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Nails

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding
would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Cheating

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!

Babbette and the Lotto

A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Two Blondes, One Dog, One Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

State Capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement; "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all
the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.

The Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50? The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No.... I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving".

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Ventriloquist is a four letter word

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee."

Bill Clinton, St Peter and the Pearly Gates

Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh….Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in." replied Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have 'full sexual relations'. And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares:

"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And, when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Hillary Clinton, St Peter and Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

The New Car

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So, after she received her instructions she headed out on the highway. "Country Music" she said, and instantly Garth Brookes was singing away on a country station.

After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing, "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a redneck in an old pickup truck cut her off in traffic. "PERVERT" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States."

Bill is Unfaithful

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: don't know, I never had one."

Four Presidents go to OZ

Four Presidents are caught in a tornado and carried off to the City of OZ.

After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM," says the Wizard. "WHO'S NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well. Well. Well. I need a brain."

"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

Clinton replies, "Is Dorothy around?"

Bill is Saved

One day Bill Clinton slipped away from the Secret Service and was out jogging. He accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below….

Three 10-year-old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.

He was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"

"I'll take you there myself!!!' exclaims Bill.

The second boys says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's."

"I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers," the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy says, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."

Tragic, Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today. When he visited a class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy."

So, our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And, can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it would be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES

Hillary Gets Knocked Up

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is, about to run for Senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls the White House, gets Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned,"Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die."

The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "He said that you're going to die."

A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my Ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age." "I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "what happened"?

The man answered "nobody showed up '.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was a rather strange response.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She
inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?", squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move.

She says, "I just had my checkup and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right and what did he say about your 40 year old ass?"

She replied, "Your name never came up!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he