freaknoid

Go sleep on the couch

2011-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's called PMS because "Mad Cow's Disease" was already taken.

Repetitve and Redundant

2011-09-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Before we get started today, The Freak wants to address the annoying habit people have of being redundant and saying the same things over and over again. It is really annoying and the people that do it should stop immediately if not sooner. If you have something to say the best thing to do is to say it simply, and clearly so that we can all understand what you are saying and then go on to the next thing. Don't just keep us there while you repeat what we already heard when you said whatever it was you said the first time. What do you think we are stoopid? Are we so dumb that you have to say it again? We got it the first time! Move on and stop repeating the same things.

There are those that are exceptionally good at this because they will say the same things and be overly redundant, by using different phrases to repeat what they have already said as though we are dumb animals or small children who didn't get it the first time.

But what really fries The Freak's cork (where did that saying come from, someone please email The Freakster about this fried cork thing. It may be very important.) are those people who ask you to repeat what they said to you so that they can be sure that you got it. Okay, so we forgot something once. We are human aren't we? What ever happened to "love your neighbor on top of thyself?" So everyone lived, right? The hospital stay was a nice little vacation if you choose to look at it that way.

So if The Freak repeats stuff you should know that this redundancy is purely unintentional and very accidental because The Freak, finds it really annoying and unnecessary.

My Funeral

2011-09-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today I came to the horrible realization that no one is going to come to my funeral.
Of course I am going to have to die first. Then after that, (the death
thing) no one is going to come. I realized this when I thought if I were
not me I would certainly not go to my funeral. Since I am me, I am probably
stuck with HAVING to go, otherwise I would skip it.

This all got started when some of us were in a car and we passed a cemetery. There
were lots of colorful flowers in the cemetery. This is not easy as there
is still snow on the ground here. (Please get with Al Gore and hurry that
global warming thing along if you could.) So we put tow and tow together
which is better than putting two and two together and came to the conclusion
that the flowers were plastic.

I asked those in the car to be sure when I die that I have fresh plastic flowers
on my grave. I am sure that after a few months they get bleached out from
the sun and so I want to be sure they are always fresh. There was complete
silence. It was clear no one was going to out every few months and put
fresh plastic flowers on my grave. I would do it myself, but the being
dead thing will be a problem.

We drove by a place where they sell grave stones. I am just guessing that having
this business near the cemetery was not an accident. Inside you could
see they were selling plastic flowers. I am sure they were lovely and
fresh. Maybe they even smelled of new plastic.

I love that smell.

I am going to write to the association of cemetery head markers and suggest that
they provide a service where they go out every few months and put fresh,
plastic flowers on your grave. It would be like a pre-payer plan.

I also want someone while they are there to say a prayer and cry a little. This could
be a new profession, professional griever. When the professional griever
comes to my grave to cry, it needs to be a heartfelt cry. I would pay
move for “heartfelt”. This would be very nice especially if there were
people nearby who could look over and see someone crying by my grave.
I would pay more for “heartfelt” and if people were looking on. I am not
sure how to work that into the contact for services. There are good lawyers
who could figure that out.

Or maybe I could just have someone come into the cemetery and take flowers off
of other people’s graves and put them on mine. Who is going to know? And
dead people don’t usually complain. This would likely get me a discount
from the professional griever. I will likely have to pay a lot for a whole
host (host is a good word in reference to death and dying), of professional
grievers for the funeral.

No one is coming.

The only person coming is Keith because I told him he could play his favorite video
clip of the monkeys telling the penguin joke at my funeral. Keith and
the professional grievers - that will be it. You won't know cause you
won't be there.

(Reprinted from previous freaknoid web site.)

Copyright, David L Arment 2011. All rights reserved.

Balancing Act

2011-09-02T20:34:00.001-07:00

I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks.